


Riding the Wheel of If Episode 1: The Beginning

by MrsHamill



Series: Riding the Wheel of If [2]
Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Multi, Multiverse, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-03-20
Updated: 2000-03-20
Packaged: 2018-08-19 22:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8226278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: Qui-Gon is dead and Obi-Wan is stuck with a whiny padawan. Then he builds  himself a new lightsaber...





	

**Author's Note:**

> The first story of what would eat my life. I've edited it somewhat to make up for the appalling writer I was seventeen (!) years ago...

Obi-Wan Kenobi sat at a workbench in a heavily shielded workroom, deep in the Jedi Temple at Coruscant. He had the components of a lightsaber spread out before him and, with miniature tools, was painstakingly assembling them, setting calibration points, tightening brackets, readying the cradles that would hold the two deranium sapphires that presently sat in a padded box near his elbow. His hands were steady, his fingers deft. There was no outward hint of the intense, roiling anguish that had come to reside in his brain.

_You weren’t supposed to die, Qui-Gon,_ he thought for around the six or seven billionth time in nearly a month. _You weren’t supposed to leave me. I never even got to tell you how much I love you._ Over and over, repeating the litany of despair which had become his home, his life, his entire being since his Master had died on Naboo. _Why? Why wasn’t it me?_

The very small part of his mind which still contained sanity had long since stopped trying to counter this repetition of hopelessness, and instead concentrated on the lightsaber he was constructing. It was a familiar, soothing task, and Obi-Wan would normally have taken comfort from it. But in his little bubble of anguish, not even familiar, well-loved tasks held appeal. 

His hands stilled as his eyes blurred again. He had put off making a new lightsaber for himself because Qui-Gon’s lightsaber was the only thing he had left of his Master. He and his new Padawan, Anakin, had returned to Coruscant to new, sterile quarters, the Council feeling that a new start would be the best. Obi-Wan could not even comfort himself with his Master’s aura, as even the bed was new. And all of Qui-Gon’s admittedly scanty possessions were gone as well. Best to make a new start. Best to cut all ties with the past. Move on, young Knight. After all, he was just your Master …

Just the one man in the entire universe who Obi-Wan loved beyond thought, beyond being. Beyond caring that it was the self-same Master who had shoved him aside for his blessed ‘chosen one.’ Now he was dead and there was no way of knowing whether Obi-Wan’s feelings could have been returned. No way of knowing. No way …

Taking a deep breath, he picked up a tiny file, and with steady fingers began shaping the crystal settings for the sapphires. His time sense told him he had another hour before Anakin would be done with his class – more than enough time to finish this lightsaber. Then it would be back to pretending to be a Master to the precious ‘chosen one’ and trying to mask – again – the soul-searing pain he still felt whenever he was around the boy. Not that it was the boy’s fault that he was so much better than Obi-Wan …

Gently blowing in the casing, Obi-Wan intently examined the crystal brackets through a magnifying glass, looking for flaws. Neither seeing nor sensing any, he picked up the gemstones and fitted them carefully inside, his Force sense on the alert for any abnormalities. A slight flux caused him to pause momentarily, but when it did not repeat, he shrugged and fitted the casing together, bolting it in place. There. It was done. He dropped into a very light meditative trance, about the only kind of trance he was capable of nowadays, and used the Force to feel along the ‘saber for any flaws, damage, imperfections. He could find none, and stood.

Before he could test the ‘saber, the door to the room hissed open to reveal the dark form of Councilor Mace Windu. “Ah, Kenobi. Your Padawan said I might find you here.” The Councilor entered the room and noted the new ‘saber in the young Knight’s hand. “Finished, then?” he asked. 

“Yes,” Obi-Wan said, running his fingers over the casing. “Haven’t tested it yet, though.”

“I’m sure it will be fine,” Windu murmured. “I’m also sure it will be a relief to have your own lightsaber to use again.”

Dropping his hand to his belt, Obi-Wan felt his Master’s lightsaber still clipped there. “I -- I guess.” _And what would YOU know of it,_ he thought acerbically, behind the tight, adamant shields that were part of his psyche lately.

“If you wish, you may keep Jinn’s ‘saber,” Windu said slowly, watching the younger man’s face carefully. “I want you to know that I did not agree with the Council’s decision to move you from your original apartment. I know what Qui-Gon meant to you.”

Fighting to keep his composure, Obi-Wan snarled to himself, _Oh, you_ do, _do you?? I’m sure you do …_ Aloud he merely said, “Yes, I would like to keep it. Thank you.” He scrupulously avoided looking into Windu’s eyes as he said it.

An uneasy silence descended as the two men stood together in the room. Speaking hesitantly, Windu said, "I'm... I'm aware of the emotions... your shielding is fine, but I'd like to think I know you fairly well. I do like you, Kenobi, and I feel for you. Qui-Gon was my friend too. I think his death has put too much of a strain on... you." _On someone so young,_ Obi-Wan finished acidly in the quiet of his mind, then immediately felt bad for thinking it. Windu was only trying to help.

“Please let me know if I can help you, Obi-Wan,” the Councilor said. “Remember that the Council is not your enemy. We may not have agreed with Qui-Gon, but what’s done is done, and if you need help with Anakin …”

Obi-Wan swallowed. In his mind, there was nothing the Councilor could say … nothing any Councilor could say that would negate the anger he felt towards them. But deep inside, in that one little sane area, he knew such feelings were beneath him, and after all, he was supposed to be a Jedi … “Thank you, Master Windu. I appreciate your words, and the sentiment behind them.”

Pursing his lips, Windu studied the Knight for a moment, then nodded shortly and left. There was nothing else to say.

Obi-Wan walked backwards until his back hit the wall. Slowly he slid downwards until he sat on the floor, his hands between his bent knees, his face a morass of desperately controlled emotions. _Why did you die?_ he wailed in the dark recesses of his mind, his agony and desperation nearly overwhelming him. As always, there was no response. There would never be a response, he was coming to realize. Qui-Gon Jinn was one with the Force and his former Padawan was not … and might never be again.

After a moment, he pulled himself somewhat together again and stood. He had time for a brief test before returning to his apartment. He extended his Force sense to check the latticework of protection built into the walls; this room was specially designed to test potentially dangerous items, such as newly built lightsabers, which was why he was here.

Satisfying himself that all was as it should be, he held the ‘saber out and hit the power.

\---

His head hurt and his stomach was making a credible effort to crawl up his esophagus. He was lying on something very hard, and it was dusty; moving kicked up some of the dust and made him want to sneeze. Pushing himself up into a sitting position, he shook his head gently and looked around. His ‘saber was still lit; he turned it off.

It was abnormally still. The walls of the room were destroyed and the ceiling was mostly on the floor … which was what he had been lying on. If he looked carefully, he could see dim daylight far, far above him. _Did my ‘saber blow?_ he asked himself muzzily, then realized it was still in his hand. Besides, if it had, he would have been dead, not in a destroyed room. _Then what in the Force happened?_

Mentally reaching for the latticework in the walls, he was stunned to discover the shielding was gone. His headache and nausea slowly fading, he stood, clipping the new ‘saber to his belt next to his Master’s, then made his way to the corridor. He expected to see a crowd of people coming to investigate whatever had happened to him and the room, but the corridor was empty. He extended his senses, seeking the weapons Master who was nominally in charge of the workshop. He wasn’t around. 

Neither was anyone else. Becoming frantic, Obi-Wan began seeking through the Force for anyone, any signature, Master to Initiate, and began to panic when he felt no one. Impossible that everyone could be so tightly shielded ... He stopped and leaned against a ruined wall, trying to slow his breathing. The Temple was in ruins and no one was around – what could have happened?

There was no power, not even emergency power. Most of the stairs were rubble. He carefully picked his way up and out to one of the gardens, intently looking around and holding down his increasing alarm by dint of heroic effort. The garden he finally emerged in did nothing to calm him; what few plants were left were scorched and stunted, paving blocks lay everywhere, and even the sky was empty. The Coruscant sky was never empty. Silence reigned.

Stunned, he dropped down on one of the larger blocks that riddled what was left of the garden and looked around. No birdsong, no breezes, the fountains were empty and silent, no voices of children or adults anywhere. No mechanical noises either, nothing to indicate any life whatsoever. What could have happened, he wondered … obviously, it was no fault of his, as nothing a ‘saber could do would cause something so wide-scale. 

Shifting, his boot crunched on something. Looking down, he realized with shock that it was a bone … attached to a partially-buried body. The remains of a lightsaber lay near the limb, which was obviously an arm. The bones wore a tattered robe, which was brown. Jedi, then. He squatted down near the figure, lifting the shreds of the robe carefully. A humanoid, but partially decomposed and unrecognizable. Extending his senses, he tried to determine any identification but could not.

He stood and began carefully looking around the garden. There were many such remains littering the ground; it became apparent that a battle of some sort had occurred. But – how? When? The last thing he remembered clearly was thumbing the power switch on his new ‘saber, then realizing he was lying on a heap in the testing room. It made no sense.

Wandering around the bodies, he began to notice a pattern of defense, a common pattern that the Jedi would have taken to protect the Temple. He moved a bit beyond the defensive flank to find another set of bones and remains, this time dressed all in black. He knelt near one of the black-clad dead, and retrieved a strange looking ‘saber. Turning it on, he discovered a glowing, malevolent red blade.

Sith.

Standing again, he looked up and around. Near-perfect silence, the wind blowing through the remains of massive towers the only faint noise. The battle must have been cataclysmic; the Eastern Tower was lying on its side while the Northern Tower was a partially-melted stub. He couldn’t see the other two towers from where he stood, but he imagined they were the same. The Central Pillar, where the Council had met, looked like a volcano had erupted through the middle of it, and there were many deep blasted holes throughout the complex.

Panic fading before numb confusion, Obi-Wan wandered around the garden a bit more before sitting down again. He realized that, for the first time since Qui-Gon had died, he wasn’t thinking about his Master. This was a puzzle that completely silenced the gibbering voices of despair that had been his constant companions; he was bereft, confused, confounded, utterly lost.

After quite some time had passed, he realized he was beginning to hear a faint hum coming from outside the garden. Rising warily, he moved towards the sound, which increased in volume. With a mechanical sound, a battle droid came into view, running scans, obviously looking for living beings, and quite suddenly turned towards him, calling out. Without thinking, Obi-Wan drew his new ‘saber and pressed the power switch.

\---

This time, he realized what had happened. A vertiginous wrenching, nauseating, bright white twisting surrounded him, tried to tear him apart, blasted his mind in two. He fell moaning to his knees, one hand on his ‘saber, the other clutching his head, trying to defend himself from whatever new threat this was.

After a moment, the strange effect eased and he was able to breathe again. He heard a shriek behind him, staggered to his feet and whirled …

He was in the Temple. The normal Temple, in a garden, facing a group of young Initiates led by an older padawan. The trees, grass, fountains, animals … all were back, and normal, and the sky was filled once again with ships and skimmers. He looked around, wide and wild-eyed, completely at a loss. The padawan was facing him, his own weapon drawn, protecting the youngsters; behind him Obi-Wan could see several Masters and Knights heading their way at a dead run. _Well, of course,_ he managed to think, _my ‘saber is drawn and lit. I should sheathe it._

Doing so caused the padawan facing him to relax somewhat, but not completely. The children behind him were babbling something about a ghost, and just appearing out of thin air, but all of Obi-Wan’s attention was focused on the approaching Masters, one of which was Mace Windu. 

Hanging his ‘saber on his belt, he bowed a bit to the Padawan. “I – I’m sorry … something’s wrong with me, I think …”

By then, Master Windu had drawn even with the Padawan and was staring at Obi-Wan, his face a mask of shock. Sheathing his own ‘saber, the Padawan turned to the Master. “He just appeared, Sir, out of nowhere! And it’s …”

“I know … I know. You’ve done well. Take your class back inside, Padawan Voll.” Turning back to Obi-Wan, he looked the young Knight over carefully, not sheathing his ‘saber but not turning it on either.

“Master Windu … I think something’s wrong with me. I – I was just testing my new ‘saber, like I said I was going to, and …”

“Who are you?” Windu’s voice was harsh with caution and not a little fear.

Obi-Wan blinked, fighting back panic. “Wha–? It’s me, Pad – I mean, Knight Kenobi. What’s wrong? What’s happening to me? Just a few seconds ago, the Temple was in ruins and there were dead Sith everywhere!”

Raking the younger man up and down with his eyes, Windu said, “Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi is dead. He died on Naboo with his Master at the hands of the Sith.”

His legs giving out again, Obi-Wan collapsed to his knees on the grass before the big Councilor. His mouth was dry, his hands trembling, and he was having trouble breathing. “What?” he gasped. “How … this isn’t possible. I don’t understand!”

“Neither do I,” Windu said, crouching near the distraught young man. “Are you a clone? And why do you have two lightsabers on your belt?”

“I’m not a clone,” Obi-Wan said harshly. “And I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I’m wearing two ‘sabers because … because one of them was Qui-Gon’s. You yourself told me I could keep it, just a little while ago as I finished building my own.”

Windu shook his head slowly. “Yoda is on his way. I don’t know what’s happening here, but I do know that Obi-Wan Kenobi died over a month ago.”

Obi-Wan buried his head in his hands, desperately seeking his center and not finding it. They sat together in silence, Windu dropping into a meditative pose and Obi-Wan trying in vain to calm himself, until the diminutive green Master put in an appearance. Yoda stumped slowly along the walk, stopping when he had come even with Windu to regard the young Knight.

“The Force signature is the same,” Windu said quietly. “I detect no fear or dark in him, but enough pain and anguish to stop a star. Whoever he is, he’s not lying, not consciously.”

Yoda continued walking then until he was directly in front of Obi-Wan. One clawed hand reached out and tenderly caressed his shaggy hair. After a moment, Obi-Wan felt calmer, and looked up at Yoda, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “Master?”

A deep breath was raggedly let loose and bright eyes focused on the Knight. “Kenobi you are. Lying you are not. How this is possible I know not.”

Surprising himself, Obi-Wan reached out with both arms and hugged the tiny Master, sobbing into his cloak. Yoda allowed it, patting his heaving shoulders gently while the storm passed, lending strength and comfort until Obi-Wan could get himself back under a semblance of control. “I’m sorry … so sorry. I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

“Tell all, you will. From the beginning,” Yoda said, sitting down on the grass near Obi-Wan. At his gesture, Windu came nearer as well, waving off the Knights who had stood guard until now.

Gently, Windu said, “Obi-Wan Kenobi died on Naboo, more than a month ago. How is it you are here, now?”

Shaking his head, Obi-Wan dried his eyes and nose on the sleeve of his tunic, coughing to clear his throat. “No. Master Qui-Gon died. In … in my arms. I watched that thing run him through and couldn’t do anything about it; I was trapped behind cycling force fields. When I could get in, I killed the Sith thing and then ran to Qui-Gon. It was … it was too late. He made me promise to train the boy and then h-he died in my arms.” In telling the story again, Obi-Wan wondered if it would ever get less painful.

Windu was shaking his head. “What boy?”

Looking up in more confusion, Obi-Wan said, “Anakin. Anakin Skywalker. The precious ‘chosen one.’ Damn it Master Windu, you tested him yourself!”

Yoda and Windu exchanged puzzled glances. “Went to Naboo, my former Padawan did, and his Padawan also,” Yoda said softly. “Attacked they were, by horned being, dressed in black, well-trained in Jedi arts. Sith, perhaps it was. Dead, it now is, dead by their hands. When attended funeral of Queen Amidala, saw body we did.”

“The Queen is dead?” Obi-Wan whispered. “Then the Trade Federation …?”

“The Trade Federation has control of Naboo. Senator Palpatine has signed a treaty with them. We were allowed to retrieve the bodies of Qui-Gon and – and Obi-Wan and bring them back home for proper interment. I was at their immolation,” Windu said. Reading the shocked expression on Obi-Wan’s face, he continued, “I take it that’s not how you remember things.”

“We escaped Naboo with the Queen,” Obi-Wan whispered, stunned. “Our ship was damaged and we went to Tatooine for repairs. There, Qui-Gon met Anakin Skywalker. He was convinced the boy was the ‘chosen one’ and insisted on bringing him along with us. We came back here, and Qui-Gon took Anakin as his Padawan Learner.”

Eyebrows rising almost past his face, Windu said, “He put you aside? Your own lifemate put you aside?”

“Lifemate?” Obi-Wan gasped, then collapsed into himself. “Oh, Qui-Gon, I always wanted …” The tears were threatening again and he tore at his hair to give him something to focus on. Yoda put one claw on his knee in sympathy.

“Stop you must,” he said gently. “Begin to see a pattern I do. Tell us, what happened to you today, when started this did?”

Drawing strength and calm from the touch, Obi-Wan took a deep breath. “I – I finally managed to build my own lightsaber. Mine was lost in the melting pit on Naboo, and I had been using Qui-Gon’s. I remember speaking to you, Master Windu, just before I tested it. I do remember powering it on, then suddenly waking up in a ruined Temple.”

“A ruined Temple?” Windu repeated, puzzled. “Can you explain?”

“No ... The entire Temple was destroyed. There was no living thing around that I could sense. There weren’t even any ships in the sky. But there were bones … lots and lots of bones, Jedi and … and Sith, I think, here in the garden.

“I was confused, completely at a loss. I sat here for a while, trying to figure out what to do, when I heard a distant noise. I went to investigate and found a Battle Droid patrol. They saw me, I drew my ‘saber and lit it … then …” he trailed off, remembering the odd vertigo and nausea. “It was like my head and stomach exploded. I fell to my knees … then realized I was here. Not a ruined Temple after all. But now …”

Yoda and Windu traded significant glances. “Show us, can you?” asked Yoda gently.

Readily agreeing, Obi-Wan dropped the tatters of his shields and allowed the two Masters to delicately review his memories. Yoda withdrew with a sigh. “Truth, it is. Answer, I believe I have. Kenobi you are … but not Kenobi of here.”

“What?” Normally confused when talking to Yoda, Obi-Wan’s mental numbness simply made the little green Master even more opaque.

“Reality is not,” Yoda said, slowly. “Relative, reality is, relative to every thing that happens. Dies that tree does,” he pointed to a nearby tree, “and different tomorrow will be than if tree lived. ‘If’ rules all worlds … if tree lives, if tree dies … if Obi-Wan lives, if Obi-Wan dies. Traveling, somehow you are, to the other ifs. Other realities.”

Slowly the concept sank into Obi-Wan’s abused brain. Other realities … “Then, here, I died along with my Master,” he said slowly.

“You were lifemates,” Windu said gently; “and one lifemate rarely lives long past the other’s death. I take it you were not in your reality.”

“No,” Obi-Wan said, his voice choked. “No, we weren’t.” _Not that I didn’t_ want _to be …_ he thought to himself desperately. Suddenly, a thought came to him. “Wait. I – I died here. Isn’t it possible that in some other reality, Qui-Gon is still … is still alive?”

In his excitement, Obi-Wan sat up straighter. Yoda and Windu exchanged glances again. “Possible, this is,” Yoda said slowly. “But care you must take.”

“You’ve already seen one other, harsher reality,” Windu agreed. “It appears your new ‘saber is the key, wouldn’t you say, Yoda?”

“Yes. Ignite it and you will move,” Yoda said. “Advise you in this I must. Stay here. Safer it is, and need you, the Order does. Great loss it was to us when Jinn and Kenobi joined the Force.”

Leaping to his feet, Obi-Wan began to pace. His brain was whirling with thoughts and possibilities, ideas clashing. Foremost was the thought that somewhere, in some ‘if’, Qui-Gon was alive, and waiting for him. “I can’t,” he finally said. “I – I understand what you are saying, and the last ‘if’ reality was frightening and foreboding. But if there’s some chance, somewhere …” Once again, he knelt, before Yoda. “Please understand. Part of me died when he did. I miss him. I love him.”

Yoda’s ears sagged, but he never took his eyes from Obi-Wan’s face. “Then go you must. Help you, we can. Rest, take food and drink here before moving on.”

Windu was obviously reluctant, but willing to abide by Yoda’s decision. “I would like to examine your ‘saber too, so that such a thing can be avoided in the future.”

Obi-Wan agreed readily. For the first time in over a month, his heart was light and his head was clear. Somewhere, he would find Qui-Gon again. Somewhere … some ‘if.’

\---

Several hours later, it was an almost buoyant Obi-Wan Kenobi who emerged back into the garden. He had a satchel slung over one shoulder and was wearing clean clothes. In the satchel was his Master’s lightsaber, some food bars and bottled water, a dataslate for him to keep a journal, and some changes of clothes. Windu accompanied him and Yoda awaited him, sitting by the side of a fountain. Obi-Wan stopped and bowed to the small green being, then took a seat at his feet.

“Thank you for your help, Master Yoda, Master Windu,” he said, patting the satchel. “And I promise, I will be careful.”

“Reconsider, I wish you would,” Yoda said sadly, “but know you will not, I do. A great Knight you will be.”

“Thank you again,” Obi-Wan said softly. “I – I don’t know what I’m going to find out there. But it’s obvious that the Sith are not extinct, I think.”

Windu nodded thoughtfully. “From what you tell me, I have to agree. We will be vigilant. You must be, too,” he added, clasping Obi-Wan’s shoulder in a strong, sympathetic grip. “I hope you find what you’re looking for,” he added, softly.

Cocking his head, Obi-Wan regarded the big man. “You're different. Or maybe it’s me. I don’t know … but I do know that if I thought I had no chance, I’d be willing to stay here. Thank you again for your help.”

“May the Force be with you,” Windu said, and Yoda echoed him, his ears drooping. Standing, Obi-Wan stepped away from them, unclipped his ‘saber and held it out before him.

With one last look and a deep breath, he pressed the power button and disappeared with a muted bang of displaced air. Windu and Yoda exchanged long looks, then Windu turned and slowly made his way back inside. Yoda stayed where he was for a long time, until the sun began to descend and night began to fall.


End file.
